New math

I just got called a cunt for real for the first time in my life

I'm not sure how I feel

about that


p.s. prior to being called a cunt i got yelled at for playing dubstep too loud

wtf is this

fucking rapture

i'm a grown up adult woman lady and can listen to loud dubstep if i fucking want to

p.p.s. I should probably do laundry tomorrow by myself....fucking depressing

everyone else does laundry with their stupid boyfriends

god

Thank you

OMFG YES

Tags: Teen Mom (Season 3), MTV Shows

What gym membership?

GOD FUCKING DAMN

To preface this post, yes, I am drunk.

So a word of advice: if you find a cute guy who has decent biceps and a good haircut and you suspect that he must have a girlfriend due to said desirable qualities but then you think "hey, guys are assholes and he's probably single so go for it, put a feeler out and see what you find because most of the time these things work out exactly how you imagine them," then you should definitely retract your previous train of thought because he definitely has a girlfriend and she most certainly is blonde and they go to weddings together and do outdoor activities that involve rafts and Badger apparel.

This all means that the rest of your life you will be a spinster, alone, with sallow skin, which will make your life BETTER or WORSE, depending on how you look at it or which trends are in fashion at the time.

The especially important part to take away from all this is that the summer of your twenty-third year will be spent ALONE mostly sitting on the floor in the middle of your bedroom with the ceiling fan on high while you download mediocre hip hop and swat winged insects away from the glow of your laptop screen. But hey, look at it this way: you won't have to bother with shaving those pesky bikini hairs because nobody will be fucking seeing them until at least next February when you get a sympathy lay from an old acquaintance or tall dubstep boy or some fat chick who's bicurious, whatever the fuck that means, for your twenty-fourth birthday, at which point you can lie and say you're exploring asexuality or make up some sort of terrible disease with more than four syllables or say that your new thing is that you only date people from cultures other than your own. Good luck!

I encourage you all to take a few days to wallow, self-loathe, chop off your hair with rounded-tip scissors and collect your shorn locks into a paper box, drink yourself into a stupor at least 75% of the time, attend a Wiccan For Beginners seminar and purge all your belongings that are not made of ceramic. You'll feel better!

All of the lights

How to get a date with a guy:

1. Look hot (confidence)
2. Pretend to believe that you look hot
3. Pretend you have 523082358 friends and stuff to do on the weekends because you are so outgoing and people love you, and you don't just sit in your room with a 6-pack doing scherenschnitte every Friday and Saturday night
4. Smile a lot and make big eyes (NOT bug eyes!)
5. Let your inner nerd girl be revealed in small doses
6. Make suggestive but tasteful hints to abate his fear of rejection
7. Wear cute things on a day you might just so happen to accidentally run into him
8. Find more excuses to go to the bank
9. Take the long way to the post office instead of the short cut through the parking garage to increase chances of intersection
10. Schedule errands during his lunch hour
11. Have an awesome personality (this should be swapped with point number 1)
12. Don't lie even if it's something completely insignificant because when you get cornered you'll look like a dumbass
13. Laugh at yourself
14. Ask him out

Hey, these flood pants are working!

And now, a top 5 list of top 5 lists, in no particular order:

Top 5 movies:

1. Ferris Bueller's Day Off
2. The Breakfast Club
3. Three Amigos
4. American Beauty
5. Robin Hood (Disney)

Top 5 sexy time songs:

1. Motivation - Kelly Rowland feat. Lil Wayne
2. Wildfire - SBTRKT feat. Little Dragon
3. Any other dubstep
4. Money Maker - Ludacris
5. Rock the Boat - Aaliyah

Top 5 foods:

1. Cruciferous veggies (does that include Brussels spouts? thanks ktz)
2. Ezekiel bread with extra Earth Balance
3. Spinach with oil and vinegar and maybe some black olives and shredded carrots on top
4. Chick peas
5. Avocado with Montreal steak seasoning

Top 5 "foods":

1. Margarine
2. Dark chocolate anything (and I mean xxxtra dark)
3. Gushers
4. Morningstar Farms sausages
5. Peanut butter (NOT organic/sugar free/etc.)

Top 5 ways to spend free time:

1. GTL
2. MTV
3. Trac-ball
4. Scherenschnitte and beer
5. Grammar policing

You're welcome.

Also, how about a fantastic weekend? And preceding week, for that matter! So many dudes!

Everything's coming up...Milhouse?

I got Ray-Ban vision

Did you know that Ray-Bans are fucking expensive? Well yeah, they are. I need the girly set with the animal print arms!

Strike my last; what I really need is a rich man to buy for me the girly set with the animal print arms.

Also, will someone PLEASE notice me on the street and write a g.d. missed connection for me already? I've even checked all the cities I've been in for the last several weeks. Nothing! And I can only wear my most outlandish articles of clothing/accessories so many times before people start to wonder/notice/catch on/judge. Even though you might not interact with the same people on a daily basis, you still see the same people on the bus in the morning or on your evening walks home from work or in the cardio room at the gym. I remember your face, dark-skinned tall boy/man with the big nose. So wearing leopard-print suede boots or pink skull-shaped earrings more than twice a week (but never in conjunction) simply won't do.

And it better not be something vague, like "girl on the 2 bus around 5:30 pm with the black North Face jacket, leggings and Uggs" because we all know each of us is liable to have dressed in such a manner at least ONCE over the course of one semester. Don't pretend like you don't know!

No, I need specifics. I have RED freaking HAIR, alright? How hard can it be? "Red-haired girl with the sensible canvas tote and impeccable style who made eyes at me upon stepping off the bus, right before a gust of wind caught an amber lock and swooped it out from behind your ear..."

See what I mean? Add some ROMANCE to your lives, people. Add some WHIMSY ZESTY ZEST for yourselves! For your parents, or your cat, or simply for the overall good of humanity. Anything!

Whatevs, I give up. I'm not even going to check for them any more. So don't bother writing one, because I sure as hell won't read it.

xxxooo

pem

They know not what they do

Types of dudes to date before you die/get old:

1. a non-white dude
2. a musician
3. a dude with XL sized junk
4. a dude with hipster moustache
5. a long-haired dude
6. a no-haired dude
7. a dude with a leather jacket
8. an androgynous dude
9. a Buddhist
10. a DJ
11. a drug dealer
12. a nurse
13. a grad student
14. a nerd
15. a guy with a motorcycle
16. a cowboy
17. a vampire
18. a guy who looks like jesus
19. a dude who loves his mom
20. a fitness instructor
21. a man
22. an extra femme dude
23. a guy who has at least one dog
24. a European, any

You're welcome.

xoxo

pem

Ground control

People!

You are DYING. You need to get the fuck off your computer and go outside. Go be a camp counselor in Maine. Find a beehive. Carve your initials into something. Go now: You're going to wake up one day and your life will have passed you by. DO SOMETHING!

Starting TODAY, take ANY CHANCE that comes in to your life that will allow you to do some thing or activity other than what you're doing now. New life situations will always be positive and good for your soul and more doors will open up and you'll have so many choices that you nearly puke into a mop bucket. Please note that THIS MEANS NEVER SAYING NO.

This weekend may be deemed a success mainly because by the end of it I will have had not one but TWO DIFFERENT birthday cake pieces from two entirely different birthday ritual celebrations.

Can you think of any North American holidays or celebrations that are not centered around food? Well I've thought about it a lot, and I can't. Aren't holidays and celebratory events major definers of a culture? Does that mean white (North American?) culture is food-centric and thus dependent upon food and its ritual?

I want to make an unconventional calendar that uses foods associated with holidays to demarcate the progression of time rather than days/weeks/months. It'd take some getting used to but I think the general public will catch on.

IF somehow the days just seem to slip by and before you know it it's next week and you haven't had five seconds to shave your pubes and you think it's probably okay to wear the same pants you wore yesterday because no one will really notice and you might not have any other pants to wear anyway because they're either dirty or too fucking small, then here is what you need to do: Call in sick to work in the middle of the week, or at the end of the week, and sleep in and when you wake up take a really long shower with music on and find your favorite socks/undies and just chill in the same place you always chill, maybe schedule a massage/do some online shopping, fantasize about food and vacations. You still have to do normal every day things like floss and empty the trash, but you CAN take a few mins and think about hobbies or skills you need/want to develop (martial arts, snake identification) or things you can add to your to-do list. You will feel WAY better for at least like two days after and probably more.

Backflip

Guys!

I am so happy I could do a back flip. TWO back flips. In a row. Consecutively. On the first try.

The only gray cloud on my weekend was that some youths must have stolen the bird feeder that was suction-cupped to my window. God! Really? I had to stand on a garbage can to get it there! WTF! A GARBAGE CAN!

Four new and interesting people have entered my life recently:

1. Overweight but still super cute hipster girl. Traits are a bicycle, skinny boyfriend with mustache, obscure music, cries a lot, and Chrome messenger bag. Needs to lose a good 20 off the rear to be classified as a real hipster though. She does have a genuine personality and makes me feel less bad for having to bite my lip to hold back tears on a semi-regular basis. Also good waist-up fashion, hair/makeup and vintage clothing.

2. Designer fashion girl. Traits are hoity-toity, self obsession and Photo Booth. Her favorite is Marc Jacobs (hottie!) and when she says Marc Jacobs it rolls out of her mouth all smooshed together and the consonants sound like clicking or an onomatopoeia in a foreign language. Her Marc Jacobs sunglasses have been referred to as her babies. And all the Marc Jacobs stuff was super cheap in metropolitan Asia.

When she drops designer names in regular conversation it reminds me of a casino employee dealing cards rapid-fire to women with plunging necklines and men in tuxedos. It makes me feel insufficient when I secretly and immediately Google every other name she says. Of course I'm comfortable enough to embrace it now and admit unabashedly that "I've never heard of it" which reflects my inner dork, which is who I'd rather be instead of someone who knows and follows and understands big-city fashion. It takes too much effort to be cool all the time. So much accountability! And way too big a margin of error.

3. Long-lost mechanic girl. Hopefully has grown out of her awkward phase but still wears Packers paraphernalia. Potentially my soul mate? If I move to Denver you'll know.

4. Too-skinny and very tall blonde boy. Traits are dubstep, Beiber hair, being tall and phlebotomy. A weekend fun-time summer friend but not someone with whom to go grocery shopping or to the farmers market or to the laundromat with no make-up on or with last night's make-up on.

5. The Black Keys. Traits are awesomeness and being fantastic and severely underrated in my music library.

In other news, MTV has some quality programming. Last night in my bleary stupor I may have accidentally watched several episodes of True Life. You guys should TOTALLY watch it!

And, in case you were wondering, I still really do love Bettie Page.