Struggle

Being a woman is so goddamn hard. I bleed, I paint, I starve.

What the fuck is with this new female empowerment bullshit? Am I supposed to "splurge this summer!" on a fucking spa package and new wardrobe, scented fucking candles and bath salts because "I deserve it"? What is it, exactly, that I deserve? I deserve to be a slave to mainstream ideals? To the media? A slave to some rich white dude's selfish definitions of womanhood? A slave to being cool at a frat party, Instagram, nude lip gloss and high heels?

We follow your rules because we don't have a choice. Pretty people get the job. Pretty people make more money. Pretty people are happier, it's scientifically proven, i read an article about it once, they did a real study, and science proved it, so it's true. So why shouldn't we follow your rules?

Why shouldn't I spend two hours at the gym every night so I'm beach-ready with a hot bikini bod? Why shouldn't I obsess over the exact amount calories in eight ounces of coffee so I don't let myself go and end up with cellulite? Why shouldn't I paint my face with chemicals every day so I'm always dewy and fresh and hidden and noticeable? Why shouldn't I go into debt for a Himalayan yoga retreat because that's what Cosmo requires for bodymind renewal?

It just makes sense. So we all do it. It's way easier to just fucking comply. After all, to reject these rules is to turn around and flail your way upstream, alone.

While flailing, you might discover some other neat connections. Like, how senior care and baby care and family care and sick care are just, like, part of being a woman. You just kind of do it, because you have a vulva, damn thing. And dudes do construction work, or wear ties and carry briefcases. You get to have your tits sucked raw by a baby, clean up your mom and dad's shit when they're old, be naturally "good" with illness remedies, and then make dinner, look pretty, and be happy about your gross husband wanting to fuck you when he gets home. BUT hey, it's okay, because that's not really work, per se.

Or, like when you find yourself in a group of people, and the only people talking are the white dudes. Ladies don't really contribute too much. They're probably too busy not working at home anyway.

Or, how about when you have to pay more for health insurance because there is the mere existence of a biological possibility that you may potentially give birth to a human? I don't know about you, but that's pretty freaking awesome. Or, wait, wait! You still pay more for health insurance because you might have a baby, but now you have to pay for birth control pills too, to make sure you don't have a baby. Aw, you're poor because you can't make a living wage because you're a woman? Sorry, no birth control for you! You should just probably not have sex. Or have sex, get pregnant, and THEN get an abortion. Fuck, you live south of the Mason Dixon? Well, okay, have the baby, and then guess what! You get to take care of it for the REST OF ITS LIFE, or at least until it turns 15 and has a baby of it's own (assuming your child is a female, because if it's a dude you're all good) because you don't really have a choice, do you. No, you were never burdened with the crisis of choice. LUCKY YOU, MA'AM!

So why not buy a big ol' diamond ring for yourself? After all, you deserve it. You worked hard.

You could also not do that, too. You could choose to say FUCK OFF to those bullshit rules. Just fucking flail your informed ass all the way upstream until you reach the mouth, and then punch it. I'll be there too, with all the other decent fucking human beings who call themselves feminists.

Footnote about my use of the word feminist:

I know, I know. It's a dirty word. You're embarrassed to say it. I use it because it's a simple way to say that I want to smash the patriarchy like a piece of Woodland Culture pottery. And to say that I'm a reasonable fucking human being who thinks that all human beings should have a voice in the way their lives exist. I kinda am over the whole f-word debate thing. We've talked about it a million times. So as long as you agree with me that human life is an important thing, and that the pursuit of happiness is out of reach of a lot of fucking people because of unrealistic, hegemonic ideals constructed by the privileged few, we're good. (Except we're not really good, because, you know, the whole oppression thing, but yeah, figure of speech.)

It's a little problematic because I feel kinda guilty about identifying as a feminist. (Here I go having the f-word debate just when I finished telling you I'm over it. Classic me.) My idea of feminism somehow magically illustrates an animated movement of the oppressed, no, The Oppressed, the many, people pressing forward together without any regard to race, gender, class, age, sexuality. Because honestly, that's what a movement to combat immense power, wealth and violence requires. But, damn, what the hell was going on during the first wave? Women had all their necessities taken care of. Nothing to worry about. You're covered. Well, white women did, anyway. Black women were busy picking fucking cotton and watching their children be sold. It was illegal for black women to read, so what the fuck did they have to say about a ballot?

Second wave, too, for that matter. White women got bored with being housewives and taking amphetamines, and decided to get out the house and work, for equal pay too. And black women didn't really have a goddamn choice. They had been out the house working for free, basically, for a long ass time already.

This is such a fucked up racist society that it makes me sad, sick, angry and hot, but not in the sexy way, it's more like when you feel raw emotion and for a half second you're afraid your chest might explode or you'll burst into tears and snot will fly everywhere uncontrollably and you'll sob and sob until you look up and it's dark and you're lost. I'm frustrated by this chicken/egg scenario (sorry for the cliche) about human rights and civil rights and women's rights... They're the same, really, right? Combating oppression against women contributes positively to the larger struggle. Because women are crucial cultural gatekeepers, women raise children and teach dogmas and reinforce paradigms, and women are half the fucking population, women must be united regardless of race. Civil rights ARE human rights.

Wow, I feel so empowered! And a little guilty for calling myself a feminist now that I've worked that whole white guilt thing out, but still. Empowered! After all, I'm a reasonable fucking human being who thinks that all human beings should have a voice in the way their lives exist.