Some things

Here are some fun things on the horizon. Also, should I get FaceBook? I'm thinking no, because every time I read my old blog posts on here I pert near delete the whole damn thing because I think the stuff I've written is dumb, and if I get sucked into FB I'll post something but then delete it 5 mins later, plus I'm more mysterious and cool-seeming without FB, and I don't have to worry about mixing work and personal things, right? Is this a sugar-coated excuse for being too self-absorbed and insecure to project an idealized version of myself to the world? Is that not what this ridic blog is?

1. Apr 8: Bassnectar (will someone please come with me to this show so I don't have to go alone?)

2. May 13: CAKE! (Any brave readers willing to accompany a girl?)

Okay, so what have you guys read about fasting? I'm gonna try it. I'll let you know how it goes. Maybe I'll turn into a horrible person with cellulite and acne OR I'll become your fairy godmother in a pleather teddy...? Sexy. Let's go with that.



Bad motherfucker.



LOOK HOW TAN I AM! This is also why it's important to NOT skip the bootcamp classes that I just paid in full.





God damn I'm a fox.



Are you enjoying the fucked up layout of this post? Yeah? Good. Because I'm AWESOME at html.

Also, two more fantastic things:

a) Soundcloud
b) Pretty Much Amazing

Call me!

xoxo

Oh, le blog

1. If you are going on a trip somewhere, remember that you will not use 75% of what you pack.

2. If you are going on a trip somewhere, you WILL end up making a special trip inland to buy something that you have an EXTRA ONE of at home.

3. Don't get all wasted and then call me to "see what's up" and then act like you don't remember it.

4. When you hear birds in the morning, that means spring is nigh, and it's time to think about buying a gym membership because you can't hide your sag-a-lags under baggy clothing anymore. Leggings, anyone?

5. If you can't tone it, tan it.

6. Wear sunscreen you d-bag.

7. Being boy crazy and vain is OKAY, just don't be a dick.

8. Smoke less cigarettes but drink more beer.

9. Drive north until you hit Lake Superior.

10. It's probably okay to hook up with an ex if they are generous/rich/good-smelling.

11. To dudes who wear flip-flops: please don't.

12. Play dress-up in real life and wear sunglasses indoors and at night.

13. Don't be a dick to your parents.

14. Eat MORE celery and LESS cake!

15. Host a Texan-style ranch party. The parameters of this theme are rather flexible but should include ten-gallon hats, a cowbell, tumbleweed, a spittoon, apple pie and someone playing banjo on the porch.

Princess P

Hiiiiii

I just wanted to say sorry for all the posts about ex-boyfriends. No one needs to hear that. At the risk of going on, I henceforth vow to never write about ex-boyfriends ever again. Starting NOW GO

I am so goddamn happy. If I were a firecracker, the fuse would be burning dangerously short. You know what happens next, yes? Wait, that was a bad example because the firecracker analogy is often expressed with a negative connotation. I dare you to come up with a better one. Use words like geyser, bridge or burst.

The stars aligned for me again last night. I think I might be on to something! I liiiiiike it.

Aaaaaanyway, a wise man once said: Side boob is the new black.

Galletas de jengibre

Country
Music as loud as you want
Garden
Wind
The sound of gravel crunching under car tires
Dogs without leashes
Flannel
Local library
Local coffee shop
Outdoor shower
Bonfires
Pine woods
Treehouse
Fresh
Privacy
Bird feeder
12-foot sunflowers
Lawnmower
Cheap drinks
Rustic roads
Barns
Old hookups
Homemade
Gingham

City
Walking distance
24 hr
Concerts
People
Terrace
Jobs
Cats
Guerrilla gardens
Sequins and/or glitter
Parks
Cigarettes by the lake
Night walks
Privacy
Free delivery on all orders over $15
High speed rail
Festivals, fetes, and farmers market
House parties
Strangers
Movies
Dudes
Non-white dudes
Academic dudes
Hipster d-bag dudes

Kick start

Okay, guys. The golden rule, and my theme for 2011, is DO NOT EVER TALK TO YOUR EX BOYFRIENDS NO MATTER HOW SECURE YOU ARE IN YOUR LIFE CUZ IT WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP AND YOU WILL BE UP ALL NIGHT FUCKING CRYING UNTIL YOUR SLEEVES ARE COVERED IN SNOT AND YESTERDAY'S MASCARA IS ALL DRIPPY ON YOUR CHEEKS AND YOU HAVE TO USE OIL-BASED REMOVER TO GET THAT SHIT OFF AND THEN YOU BREAK OUT.

Vicious.

If you can get your hands on some small clay figurines, BUY THEM ALL! Leave a few around your house in random places. Pick the tiniest one and leave it semi-hidden peeking out from behind the biggest book on your bookshelf or in between the Las Vegas and New York shot glasses in your kitchen.

This becomes your lucky rock. You pass by it every day but hardly ever notice, but YOU will notice, cuz you put it there secretively, and every time you pass by you think of something good.

I usually think of cupcakes because I love them. Mine are idealized, perfectly round cakes with perfectly asymmetrical frosting and a day glo cherry on top and a crisp paper cup with hearts on it. In my mind, they are floating in the ether, the Cupcake Ether, weightlessly twirling against a pink polka-dot sky, because if the Cupcake Ether has a sky it's definitely pink polka-dotted. They never get mashed or stale or crumbly and when ever I want I can reach a mysterious hand into one corner of the Ether and pluck the most perfect looking cupcake that I can find.

In related news, do people seriously not know how to spell definitely yet? Come on! I'm getting pissed. Look at the root of the word: finite. Do you spell finite fanite? No? I didn't fucking THINK SO! Also, what about dissappoint and kareokee? Are you FUCKING kidding me guys? I could understand those mistakes if you got a liberal arts degree but... oh, wait, you DID get a liberal arts degree? You...

Wow, sorry about that last paragraph! Can you sense my angst? It matches my Teen Spirit.

Whatever, though, I have nothing to lose. I'm not trying to be cool. Or am I?

Guy #1: That's cool.
Guy #2: What's cool?
Guy #1: Nothing.

NOTHING IS COOL.

Yeah, I am.

Let’s have a toast for the douchebags

If a guy is famous or really good-looking, you need to seriously consider if herpes is worth it.

Homeless people on the bus smell BAD and make me feel awkward.

Another person who makes me feel awkward is that preacher guy on library mall. WTF dude?

Aspartame will fuck your shit UP and you shouldn't drink so much diet coke!

The best gifts are hand-made. You're getting a macaroni picture frame for christmas.

Don't forget to MOISTURIZE people! It's freaking WINTER!

Make an attempt to stay up late for astronomical events, such as last night's lunar eclipse of a full moon on the winter solstice.

Now that you have all this free time, watch old episodes of Bob Ross and also anything with Dick van Dyke.

If you wake up one day and you're feeling REALLY crappy it's OKAY to cancel everything and lay in bed for several hours. Bonus if you have a friend in bed with you.

Things everyone should do always: wear your seatbelt, floss, say thank you

Hey, do yourself a favor and at least FAKE a smile! You'll feel way better.

I'd like to buy a vowel

God, you really make me want to vom sometimes. Can't handle it! Avert your eyes! Shoo the children from the room! I forgot who said it, but someone did: The one who doesn't want you is the one you want the most. WTF is with THAT bs?

Let's watch more documentaries, people! Damn! Embrace your inner nerd girl!

Do you ever have a really intense irrational fear of somehow losing your paper that you've worked on all semester? Yesterday I had a vivid daydreaming session about a guy trying to steal my laptop and me pleading to at least let me save my papers first. "You can have it, I'm serious... just let me save my papers first!" I'd say to him. And really, I could give a fuck about the laptop...but losing the hours and hours of work would make me lose my mind. Then I'd write an e-mail to my adviser... "Maria - you'll never believe what happened!" Would she believe it? Would I have to write everything again? I'd cry. I'd fucking bawl and then probably engage in some seriously self-destructive behavior.

OH YEAH, I graduated today! After the ceremony, I came home to work on my paper(s). Talk about a downer!

i love you! bye!

xoxo

Pert near no sleeeeeeeeep

Something interesting happens when you don't sleep for long periods of time. It's really fun - REALLY fun - and you get kind of delirious and it's like you're high all the time. And you start making minor mistakes when writing, like using the wrong form of you're/your or their/they're/there. Also some SERIOUS dyslexia. It's like being drunk a little. Tomorrow I'm going to be drunk, hopefully. HOPEFULLY, GUYS. Listen to a little Jamesssss Brown, right? Amiright? Hm?

I'm going to start writing posts completely in the nude. I think it will lend a little ZING to the style of this silly blog. Okay, so I DID steal that idea from Mel and Floyd. Actually it was Mr. Smarty Pants, aka Mr. Pants.

Do you ever feel like you're in a really good mood but you shouldn't be? Like after somebody dies, or there is some horrible tragedy in SE Asia, a tsunami or some bullshit, you're supposed to be all somber and droopy and flaccid, but you feel like a fucking hot spring is about to explode because you're in such a goddamn good mood. It's a hard sell, but my mood today is fucking fantastic. Is it because I haven't slept? Yeah, prob.

Weeeeell, time to go write another pape. Call me! xoxo

PEM

I hrt u wlfmthr

Someday I'll be Bettie... Someday.

But today is not that day. Today is the day where I don't sleep and pretend that pulling an all-nighter is nothing.

Fuck it, I'm smoking in my room. I don't even CARE!

P.S. Dear ex boyfriends, why do you suck so bad and make my life awful? Thanks. Now I'm thinking about YOU and can't get my paper done.

I'm going to drink so many beers when this is over... probably like three.

I can't wait to get my post-breakup-hair-cut, followed closely by a post-graduation-bird-tattoo and MAYBE EVEN A FACIAL PIERCING OMGGGGG

P.P.S. I have discovered wolfmother and rediscovered led zeppelin and my life is now amazing. Also, Dream On by Aerosmith is now on the List of Good Songs. This shit is getting fancy-free! I DON'T EVEN LIKE AEROSMITH! THE INTEGRITY OF THE LIST HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!