Okay, guys. The golden rule, and my theme for 2011, is DO NOT EVER TALK TO YOUR EX BOYFRIENDS NO MATTER HOW SECURE YOU ARE IN YOUR LIFE CUZ IT WILL FUCK YOUR SHIT UP AND YOU WILL BE UP ALL NIGHT FUCKING CRYING UNTIL YOUR SLEEVES ARE COVERED IN SNOT AND YESTERDAY'S MASCARA IS ALL DRIPPY ON YOUR CHEEKS AND YOU HAVE TO USE OIL-BASED REMOVER TO GET THAT SHIT OFF AND THEN YOU BREAK OUT.
Vicious.
If you can get your hands on some small clay figurines, BUY THEM ALL! Leave a few around your house in random places. Pick the tiniest one and leave it semi-hidden peeking out from behind the biggest book on your bookshelf or in between the Las Vegas and New York shot glasses in your kitchen.
This becomes your lucky rock. You pass by it every day but hardly ever notice, but YOU will notice, cuz you put it there secretively, and every time you pass by you think of something good.
I usually think of cupcakes because I love them. Mine are idealized, perfectly round cakes with perfectly asymmetrical frosting and a day glo cherry on top and a crisp paper cup with hearts on it. In my mind, they are floating in the ether, the Cupcake Ether, weightlessly twirling against a pink polka-dot sky, because if the Cupcake Ether has a sky it's definitely pink polka-dotted. They never get mashed or stale or crumbly and when ever I want I can reach a mysterious hand into one corner of the Ether and pluck the most perfect looking cupcake that I can find.
In related news, do people seriously not know how to spell definitely yet? Come on! I'm getting pissed. Look at the root of the word: finite. Do you spell finite fanite? No? I didn't fucking THINK SO! Also, what about dissappoint and kareokee? Are you FUCKING kidding me guys? I could understand those mistakes if you got a liberal arts degree but... oh, wait, you DID get a liberal arts degree? You...
Wow, sorry about that last paragraph! Can you sense my angst? It matches my Teen Spirit.
Whatever, though, I have nothing to lose. I'm not trying to be cool. Or am I?
Guy #1: That's cool.
Guy #2: What's cool?
Guy #1: Nothing.
NOTHING IS COOL.
Yeah, I am.
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