Shawty, what your name is?

Some things your mother should have told you:

When you're getting ready in the morning, listen to Beyonce or Gorillaz. It will TOTALLY energize your day!

If your teeth clank with the teeth of the person with whom you are making out, that's gross.

Don't make out with gross dudes and justify it by saying you were really drunk.

When you feel sluggish and puffy, it means you need to drink a shit ton of water. Drink so much that you want to vom, but then don't actually do it.

Hipsters: you are no longer counter-culture. Also, stop wearing those dumb fucking belt buckles.

When you eat cereal, always read the back of the cereal box and use extra milk. Don't drink cow's milk EVER; that shit's gross.

Wear a sports bra to bed all the time! Your shelf bra in that stretched out tank top is not going to cut it.

ALWAYS wash your vegetables and fruits before you consume them. If you're not planning on peeling what you're eating, you should probably buy organic (apples, grapes, blueberries).

Get some denim skinny jeans, white blouse with french cuffs, and red heels. PWN IT!

Stop using lol in your internet/text communications. It makes you look dumb.

Make an effort to SMILE more. If you don't, people will think you're always pissed off.

Only binge eat late at night after you've brushed your teeth and immediately preceding bed.

If the barista at the coffee shop is a cute guy, order an americano or black tea.

Get drunk, but not so drunk that you vom all over your jeans and wake up on the ground outside the bar.

Write your Gramma a goddamn letter, and make it a good one! Try not to use any cliches.

If you're having a bad day and someone else is having a really good day, it's okay to tell them to fuck off.

Make friends with foreigners and people who dress cool. It will make you look cool too.

Learn how to pluck your eyebrows, ladies! If your eyebrows are overplucked, they look like sperm.

It's okay if you still sleep with your childhood stuffed animal and baby blanket, but make sure you stuff it between your bed and the wall before anyone comes over.

If your towels smell funky, wash them! If you notice this in the morning when you get out of the shower, it's okay to use it that day but then go wash it! You know what that smell is? It's mildew growing on your towel. Gross! And if you're late for school/work every morning you should get up earlier or consider preparing more the preceding night.

Don't text your exes, EVER! This totally gives you the upper hand.

You and your friends should make mix CDs more often and then plan road trips according to the length of the CD.

Stop using the word panties. It's awkward. Say underwear or knickers instead.

If you don't like cats or The Beatles, get the fuck out of my life.

It's OKAY to be a hypocrite. Everybody does it.