Do cafeterias make you nervous?

Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face?

Do you have a big bum?

Find the answer to these and life's other quandaries below!

If you are reading this, that means you are helping propagate my procrastination. So way to go.

Many people think it's okay if you do certain things, like have a big bum, use ubiquitous you, or swear in front of children. In reality, these things are NOT OKAY!

If you have a big bum, think about how uncomfortable other people on the bus are. You take up 1.25 or in some cases 1.5 seats. In this case, no one can use the seat next to you. So that means the old lady who just boarded the bus and has her little cart full of groceries with french bread sticking out will have to stand the entire way to the West Transfer Point. Because of that, she'll need a hip replacement. Which you should fund. Also, think about how awkward it is when you sit down in a classroom chair with those half-desks, and you realize there isn't enough room so you have to use the mini-table instead. Then the invalid wheels on in and has nowhere to sit, and is forced to awkwardly rest their notebook in their lap for the rest of class. A lap that they can neither use nor feel. Their legs are bloodless, just like your heart, you big-bummed whore. If you've ever broken ANYTHING by resting your bum upon it, that means you have a problem and need to do something about it. This includes but is not limited to Hot Wheels, live animals, foodstuffs, church pews, and playground equipment (specifically see-saws, but I suppose other pieces could qualify as well). The public shame should be motivation enough.

Sometimes I really want to punch my boss and also my ex in the face. I've had serious feelings about this, but I didn't mark it down on the emotional evaluation form they give you when you go to your shrink. So in essence I didn't lie, I just omitted some facts. If you feel like you need to punch someone, you should really go to a kickboxing class. I understand that some people can't handle that, but just go for a few weeks and figure out what the fuck you're doing so you don't look like a dumbass or hurt yourself. Then you can go to a real boxing ring - ideally in a warehouse and in sepia tones, with rays of light coming in through broken and dirty windows - and get out some real aggression. I'm serious guys, it really works! Plus you look really sexy!

Everyone should listen to Mel & Floyd. It will make you lol. (Please see my previous post about using lol.) When you're at that work and you get the 2:30 feeling, Mel and Floyd will get you through. Please make an Android app!

Last night I smoked a blunt outside the Memorial Union. I'm talking like right outside, front and center. I felt so badass! Also nervous. Strangers are so nice.

I was going to write more, but I decided to go dye my hair. Bye suckaz!

P.S. Two pieces of advice to live by today:

1. When in doubt, wear all black.
2. When in doubt, do what Bettie Page would do.




xoxo page