Bedtime, pie-eating contests, and butter substitutes

I decided to start a list of good songs.

It started as a digital list, housed on my phone. I thought it'd be perfect since at any time the urge struck, I could modify, add, and subtract from the list. Usually it happens in the middle of a run or on the bus when it's freezing, neither of which are good times to add songs to a list.

It felt wrong. It felt like blasphemy. My thumbs struggled to type in words like Styx and Beatles, sharp text on a jarring neon background. Words like that should be written on dry paper with yellowed edges and a stub of a pencil with half an eraser.

Eventually I found suitable material, worthy of keeping a record of songs that I deem to be Good. It was a scrap of red construction paper, one torn edge, faded from the sun near the top where the corner curled under. I found a red pen with ink globbed at its point, so the first marks leave a bump of blood at the beginning of each first letter, and are then flattened by magazines and bills stacked on top later.

The list is growing, slowly. It had a good start, initially formulated by a burst of energy where the same handwriting made each addition seem like a border of a puzzle. Soon I'll need to fill in the inside pieces with creamy, thick songs that ooze when you squeeze them with both hands and make you think about your life or what it was like to be a child. As I enter a new phase of adoration for rock and roll made in the 1980s just like I was, it might look completely different from when it was started. When it's done, the list will read like a disjointed photo album that fell apart and was hastily reassembled by someone's Grandmother.

It's not ready yet. Right now it's got the standard litany of Beatles songs, most of the soundtrack from Death Proof, and a number of electronic songs that belong to bands with dumb names. What it probably won't be is a way for deep introspection into my soul, where you can read it like a journal entry from five years ago in an attempt for self-reflection. It will end up being messy, shallow, and dirty, but the impeccable penmanship will redeem its validity as a list of Good Songs.

Unabashedly bawling my eyes out

Well folks, tonight I finally cracked.

I know you know the feeling. Maybe it's been there for a while, but you don't really say anything or look it in the eyes. Maybe you try to avoid it. Maybe you embrace it full-force monster truck rally live this Sunday style. Maybe it starts off as a leak; seepage from below the earth, filtered through rock and dirt ten thousand years old. Sometimes there's a catalyst, a tipping point, and you can't quite stabilize yourself enough to hit equilibrium. The ground is bumpy and uneven and your shoes are too big. Your pupils shrink and your mouth is open and dry and the camera zooms back quicker than you can extinguish a flame. You sit in the middle of your room like a malnourished Indian sitting atop a heap of red dusty bricks, digits curled gingerly around corners and jagged edges.

The thing that finally did it for me was probably exacerbated by a several day streak of destructive behavior, including lack of sleep, an inversion of my normal water-to-beer ratio, poor dental hygiene and impaired decision-making abilities. I've realized now that dropping out of school will be the least beneficial option for me in the long run. Aren't you glad I came to my senses and decided to write this post instead of researching for my paper?

images of rapture

The makers of Tidy Cats are pervs.

You trifling good for nothing type of brother

Do you think that the other members of Destiny's Child are resentful that Beyonce made it and they didn't? I'd be pissed.

We're having a dance party over here on E Johnny, do you wanna come?



Beyonce says YES PLEASE!

Well, I managed to fuck off this entire day and get NO work done. What I'm really trying to say is CHEERS!

In other news, check out this hot dude!



God. If you have a beard, call me.

Do you guys have any awesome Thanksgiving plans? You know what I really hate? When people call it turkey day. Like really. wtf? What are you, a fucking yooper?



We're going to watch The Grinch. Classic, kid-friendly, family fun. For extra credit, you can drink every time they say Grinch.

Recently, I learned that coors is also called werewolf killer. Did you know this? It was a revelation.

Just because you're single doesn't mean you should stop shaving your legs! Keep it sexy, bitches! Wear cute undies EVERY DAY! Preferably paired with knee-high socks. You never know! If you can't decide whether or not to shave your legs before bed, you should totally DO IT! The feeling of freshly shaved legs between your sheets when you wake up in the morning is really, really AWESOME and will make you smile.



Can you believe that people still don't know how to use proper grammar and punctuation? It's really disgusting! Come on people, we're 22 years old! Seriously! I want to puke just THINKING about it!

Do you remember the old prospector from SNL? Gus Chiggins! Fucking funny.



Fish face: Exhibit A



Don't you just wanna wrap your lips around those puppies? Actually I posted this pic cuz I thought my eyebrow looked awesome. Call me! xo

ps if you're planning on drinking make sure you drink on an empty stomach cuz you get WAY DRUNKER WAY FASTER! kbye!

pps drinking beer will make you FAT so watch it! ration!

Do cafeterias make you nervous?

Have you ever wanted to punch someone in the face?

Do you have a big bum?

Find the answer to these and life's other quandaries below!

If you are reading this, that means you are helping propagate my procrastination. So way to go.

Many people think it's okay if you do certain things, like have a big bum, use ubiquitous you, or swear in front of children. In reality, these things are NOT OKAY!

If you have a big bum, think about how uncomfortable other people on the bus are. You take up 1.25 or in some cases 1.5 seats. In this case, no one can use the seat next to you. So that means the old lady who just boarded the bus and has her little cart full of groceries with french bread sticking out will have to stand the entire way to the West Transfer Point. Because of that, she'll need a hip replacement. Which you should fund. Also, think about how awkward it is when you sit down in a classroom chair with those half-desks, and you realize there isn't enough room so you have to use the mini-table instead. Then the invalid wheels on in and has nowhere to sit, and is forced to awkwardly rest their notebook in their lap for the rest of class. A lap that they can neither use nor feel. Their legs are bloodless, just like your heart, you big-bummed whore. If you've ever broken ANYTHING by resting your bum upon it, that means you have a problem and need to do something about it. This includes but is not limited to Hot Wheels, live animals, foodstuffs, church pews, and playground equipment (specifically see-saws, but I suppose other pieces could qualify as well). The public shame should be motivation enough.

Sometimes I really want to punch my boss and also my ex in the face. I've had serious feelings about this, but I didn't mark it down on the emotional evaluation form they give you when you go to your shrink. So in essence I didn't lie, I just omitted some facts. If you feel like you need to punch someone, you should really go to a kickboxing class. I understand that some people can't handle that, but just go for a few weeks and figure out what the fuck you're doing so you don't look like a dumbass or hurt yourself. Then you can go to a real boxing ring - ideally in a warehouse and in sepia tones, with rays of light coming in through broken and dirty windows - and get out some real aggression. I'm serious guys, it really works! Plus you look really sexy!

Everyone should listen to Mel & Floyd. It will make you lol. (Please see my previous post about using lol.) When you're at that work and you get the 2:30 feeling, Mel and Floyd will get you through. Please make an Android app!

Last night I smoked a blunt outside the Memorial Union. I'm talking like right outside, front and center. I felt so badass! Also nervous. Strangers are so nice.

I was going to write more, but I decided to go dye my hair. Bye suckaz!

P.S. Two pieces of advice to live by today:

1. When in doubt, wear all black.
2. When in doubt, do what Bettie Page would do.




xoxo page

Webcam: A Study in Page

This is the course of my night:



Who the fuck are you and why are you reading this blog?!?

I guess I should start my homework.



Right after I eat this entire package of Chewy Sprees.



Fuck, now it's been an hour and I haven't done anything. Write my paper for me?



No? Ok, I'll just make this fun noise by putting my index finger in my mouth.

Also, I love me some Badgers.

Ani DiFranco will kick your ass and then hug you.

So the other day I was tryin'a listen to some music like in point number one below, and had a hankering for some Ani D. I had a hard time selecting something and I decided I needed to refresh my Ani repertoire, which led to the subsequent binge on the iTunes store. I am not ashamed to buy music legally.

Not only did I have disturbing dreams about my ex last night, I also couldn't sleep until crrrrzy late, like so late that you're not sure if you should call it night or morning. Why is it that you feel awesome when you get random no-sleep but when you plan it all out and get a decent number, like 7 or 8, your day sucks and you have those huge things under each of your eyeballs?

I have a meeting with my therapist today. I love him so much. More than I've ever loved anything in my whole life, even my mother.

Also, if you are still blending your blush at an angle up to your hair line you are DOING IT WRONG. That is so 1980s. Why don't you crimp your hair while you're at it? You're supposed to be putting some rosy blush on the APPLES, not the CHEEKBONES. duh.

Who do you think you are? Do you know who you are? And if you do, can you tell me who I am? kthx.

If you bastardize a song that USED to be canonical until you came around with your pseudo-cover, get the fuck out. California Girls used to be good, but now I just think of your fucking face (yes you, Katy Perry, cuz I know you're reading this). Thanks for making me hate the Beach Boys.

Actually, I really love the Beach Boys still.

Also, Katy Perry, stop making those fucking music videos with fat people and gay dudes kissing just to clear your past record of being a fucking homophobe. By including the one token fat girl and alternative-style person of questionable gender, you DO NOT gain cred with the feminists. I can't wait til you get fat and divorced.

When did it become a big thing to talk about feminism or call yourself a feminist? How is it that you fucks can espouse feminine ideals and talk about egalitarian societies and how great they are, but then refuse to acknowledge that those things are FEMINIST?!

If you really want to do something AWESOME and FUN for New Years, buy a fucking ticket to see Girl Talk at the Rave and we'll get really drunk together and laugh a lot and stumble around and pick up girls that look like guys. You have to drive though.

If you're reading this and you're one of my exes, that means you FUCKED UP by dumping me or being an asshole cuz I am really fucking cool, and I now realize that you were probably just intimidated by my intense level of POSH and APLOMB. However, I WILL stick around a little longer to see if you change your mind.

Kid Cudi is possibly the best-looking man I've ever seen.

If you need a big sister, or a little sister, or mother, grandmother, aunt, or wife you should TOTES call/text/email me! Hearing about your problems makes mine seem less bad.

Also, don't ever say totes in real life. That is all.

Shawty, what your name is?

Some things your mother should have told you:

When you're getting ready in the morning, listen to Beyonce or Gorillaz. It will TOTALLY energize your day!

If your teeth clank with the teeth of the person with whom you are making out, that's gross.

Don't make out with gross dudes and justify it by saying you were really drunk.

When you feel sluggish and puffy, it means you need to drink a shit ton of water. Drink so much that you want to vom, but then don't actually do it.

Hipsters: you are no longer counter-culture. Also, stop wearing those dumb fucking belt buckles.

When you eat cereal, always read the back of the cereal box and use extra milk. Don't drink cow's milk EVER; that shit's gross.

Wear a sports bra to bed all the time! Your shelf bra in that stretched out tank top is not going to cut it.

ALWAYS wash your vegetables and fruits before you consume them. If you're not planning on peeling what you're eating, you should probably buy organic (apples, grapes, blueberries).

Get some denim skinny jeans, white blouse with french cuffs, and red heels. PWN IT!

Stop using lol in your internet/text communications. It makes you look dumb.

Make an effort to SMILE more. If you don't, people will think you're always pissed off.

Only binge eat late at night after you've brushed your teeth and immediately preceding bed.

If the barista at the coffee shop is a cute guy, order an americano or black tea.

Get drunk, but not so drunk that you vom all over your jeans and wake up on the ground outside the bar.

Write your Gramma a goddamn letter, and make it a good one! Try not to use any cliches.

If you're having a bad day and someone else is having a really good day, it's okay to tell them to fuck off.

Make friends with foreigners and people who dress cool. It will make you look cool too.

Learn how to pluck your eyebrows, ladies! If your eyebrows are overplucked, they look like sperm.

It's okay if you still sleep with your childhood stuffed animal and baby blanket, but make sure you stuff it between your bed and the wall before anyone comes over.

If your towels smell funky, wash them! If you notice this in the morning when you get out of the shower, it's okay to use it that day but then go wash it! You know what that smell is? It's mildew growing on your towel. Gross! And if you're late for school/work every morning you should get up earlier or consider preparing more the preceding night.

Don't text your exes, EVER! This totally gives you the upper hand.

You and your friends should make mix CDs more often and then plan road trips according to the length of the CD.

Stop using the word panties. It's awkward. Say underwear or knickers instead.

If you don't like cats or The Beatles, get the fuck out of my life.

It's OKAY to be a hypocrite. Everybody does it.