To preface this post, yes, I am drunk.
So a word of advice: if you find a cute guy who has decent biceps and a good haircut and you suspect that he must have a girlfriend due to said desirable qualities but then you think "hey, guys are assholes and he's probably single so go for it, put a feeler out and see what you find because most of the time these things work out exactly how you imagine them," then you should definitely retract your previous train of thought because he definitely has a girlfriend and she most certainly is blonde and they go to weddings together and do outdoor activities that involve rafts and Badger apparel.
This all means that the rest of your life you will be a spinster, alone, with sallow skin, which will make your life BETTER or WORSE, depending on how you look at it or which trends are in fashion at the time.
The especially important part to take away from all this is that the summer of your twenty-third year will be spent ALONE mostly sitting on the floor in the middle of your bedroom with the ceiling fan on high while you download mediocre hip hop and swat winged insects away from the glow of your laptop screen. But hey, look at it this way: you won't have to bother with shaving those pesky bikini hairs because nobody will be fucking seeing them until at least next February when you get a sympathy lay from an old acquaintance or tall dubstep boy or some fat chick who's bicurious, whatever the fuck that means, for your twenty-fourth birthday, at which point you can lie and say you're exploring asexuality or make up some sort of terrible disease with more than four syllables or say that your new thing is that you only date people from cultures other than your own. Good luck!
I encourage you all to take a few days to wallow, self-loathe, chop off your hair with rounded-tip scissors and collect your shorn locks into a paper box, drink yourself into a stupor at least 75% of the time, attend a Wiccan For Beginners seminar and purge all your belongings that are not made of ceramic. You'll feel better!
