Sunday, April 17, 2011

Ground control



People!

You are DYING. You need to get the fuck off your computer and go outside. Go be a camp counselor in Maine. Find a beehive. Carve your initials into something. Go now: You're going to wake up one day and your life will have passed you by. DO SOMETHING!

Starting TODAY, take ANY CHANCE that comes in to your life that will allow you to do some thing or activity other than what you're doing now. New life situations will always be positive and good for your soul and more doors will open up and you'll have so many choices that you nearly puke into a mop bucket. Please note that THIS MEANS NEVER SAYING NO.

This weekend may be deemed a success mainly because by the end of it I will have had not one but TWO DIFFERENT birthday cake pieces from two entirely different birthday ritual celebrations.

Can you think of any North American holidays or celebrations that are not centered around food? Well I've thought about it a lot, and I can't. Aren't holidays and celebratory events major definers of a culture? Does that mean white (North American?) culture is food-centric and thus dependent upon food and its ritual?

I want to make an unconventional calendar that uses foods associated with holidays to demarcate the progression of time rather than days/weeks/months. It'd take some getting used to but I think the general public will catch on.

IF somehow the days just seem to slip by and before you know it it's next week and you haven't had five seconds to shave your pubes and you think it's probably okay to wear the same pants you wore yesterday because no one will really notice and you might not have any other pants to wear anyway because they're either dirty or too fucking small, then here is what you need to do: Call in sick to work in the middle of the week, or at the end of the week, and sleep in and when you wake up take a really long shower with music on and find your favorite socks/undies and just chill in the same place you always chill, maybe schedule a massage/do some online shopping, fantasize about food and vacations. You still have to do normal every day things like floss and empty the trash, but you CAN take a few mins and think about hobbies or skills you need/want to develop (martial arts, snake identification) or things you can add to your to-do list. You will feel WAY better for at least like two days after and probably more.

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Backflip



Guys!

I am so happy I could do a back flip. TWO back flips. In a row. Consecutively. On the first try.

The only gray cloud on my weekend was that some youths must have stolen the bird feeder that was suction-cupped to my window. God! Really? I had to stand on a garbage can to get it there! WTF! A GARBAGE CAN!

Four new and interesting people have entered my life recently:

1. Overweight but still super cute hipster girl. Traits are a bicycle, skinny boyfriend with mustache, obscure music, cries a lot, and Chrome messenger bag. Needs to lose a good 20 off the rear to be classified as a real hipster though. She does have a genuine personality and makes me feel less bad for having to bite my lip to hold back tears on a semi-regular basis. Also good waist-up fashion, hair/makeup and vintage clothing.

2. Designer fashion girl. Traits are hoity-toity, self obsession and Photo Booth. Her favorite is Marc Jacobs (hottie!) and when she says Marc Jacobs it rolls out of her mouth all smooshed together and the consonants sound like clicking or an onomatopoeia in a foreign language. Her Marc Jacobs sunglasses have been referred to as her babies. And all the Marc Jacobs stuff was super cheap in metropolitan Asia.

When she drops designer names in regular conversation it reminds me of a casino employee dealing cards rapid-fire to women with plunging necklines and men in tuxedos. It makes me feel insufficient when I secretly and immediately Google every other name she says. Of course I'm comfortable enough to embrace it now and admit unabashedly that "I've never heard of it" which reflects my inner dork, which is who I'd rather be instead of someone who knows and follows and understands big-city fashion. It takes too much effort to be cool all the time. So much accountability! And way too big a margin of error.

3. Long-lost mechanic girl. Hopefully has grown out of her awkward phase but still wears Packers paraphernalia. Potentially my soul mate? If I move to Denver you'll know.

4. Too-skinny and very tall blonde boy. Traits are dubstep, Beiber hair, being tall and phlebotomy. A weekend fun-time summer friend but not someone with whom to go grocery shopping or to the farmers market or to the laundromat with no make-up on or with last night's make-up on.

5. The Black Keys. Traits are awesomeness and being fantastic and severely underrated in my music library.

In other news, MTV has some quality programming. Last night in my bleary stupor I may have accidentally watched several episodes of True Life. You guys should TOTALLY watch it!

And, in case you were wondering, I still really do love Bettie Page.

Friday, April 8, 2011

Come on!



Seriously, universe? You do this to me on a Friday night, after a long week, after my business card is declined at the Mac store, after I nearly overdraft my bank account and nearly max out my credit card with a dangerous shoe obsession, after I go all day avoiding diet coke so I can wear the skin tight dress tonight, after I work out the transportation, after I have the most stressful day at work, after I spent like $24523408234 on the tickets, after I spend 82347829432347 hours looking forward to it, after I clean my room and do my laundry...REALLY?

FML FML FML FML FML

Well, I guess...at least I'm not pregnant, at least I have an apartment and a bed, and $20 to buy beer, and a full head of hair. But still!